when do you know you should pray more?

i should pray more.

I think about all that God or spirit or the universe of what ever the fuck, has given me and i laugh. because i still cry about a lot and scream about a lot and am not grateful a lot. and i should pray more.

all the sins i have committed and pitiful looks i’ve pitied. i wonder if god still loves me. i hardly even know him anymore.

and i think i’ll start to pray more.

I think i’ve heard god in your cities heart beat. like with with each shatter of the subway rail i can feel the cities heart shatter too. or maybe the shatter of the subway reminds me of leaving your house and you shattering my heart. like you’re choking the love out of me. 

i think i need to pray more

what’s a sin without guilt and what’s guilt without sin. i feel a lot of guilt but never noticed the guilt building onto my chest. getting heavier and heavier and heavier and one day it will suffocate me. all the sin and guilt.

I should pray more.

But when i think about it, isn’t it pathetic to pray to an imaginary savior whoms heart i don’t know of and whose smile looked like a slap in the face to my identity. and my heart. and my sin. what is prayer? is it giving thanks? is it asking for something?

is it giving something? 

God, I am scared of you. If all the times i cried were because you wanted me to learn a lesson then thanks because the river of my tears can turn into pages of books to teach children to not fall in love. 

God, I’m gonna pray more

From, Siena and probably 1,000 other girls with broken hearts and brooms trying to clean up the shards of my love.