updates from an anxious train and my thoughts on grass

remember in physics we learned one of the laws of newton or whatever his name was. he said what goes up must come down. I think about that a lot. I’ve been having a difficult time with past trauma coming back up and a spike in my bipolar II disorder.

what goes up must come down. For those who don’t know me, I’ve been through a lot of trauma. I see patches of grass and my brain associates it with the time I saw my best friend having a seizure and dragging her onto the grass outside because I had to wait for the police to come. I see grass and think of that time of hopelessness and worthlessness. I see grass and think about when my friend was dying and all I could do was hold her head up so she wouldn’t choke on the foam coming out of her mouth. And that fucking grass. That grass that made me worthless. when I see grass I’m hopeless. I guess I hate grass now. I travel from my home in pa to my apartment in nyc a lot so i can see my doctors. My ‘trauma’ and ‘bipolar specialists’. what makes you a specialist of something that you haven’t been through?. Maybe I’m a physics specialist because I know that what goes up must come down.

When your body goes through trauma or mania or panic or anxiety or depression, your brain is down. your brain is stuck in a thick quick sand and all you can do is watch it sink. watch it sink while you sit in the grass and watch. again. and it sucks. but now that i am a physics specialist i know something. i know that when your brain is sinking below sea level it has to come up. it has to. your brain physically cannot keep going down. down ends. down has a finish line. once it wins the fight to the bottom of your life, it come soon up. i swear it does.

Ive seen the down. i’ve lived in the down for weeks on end. but i know the up. i know you will smile again. i know you will forget the down. i know it. like how newtown knows what goes up must come down. i know it gets better, i’m living proof that it gets better.

what goes up must come down, what goes down must come up. the

will die as the days get darker, and it gets better. and i’m on a train to nyc but one day i’ll just be in nyc. because it.gets.better.