Let me explain

I have the compulsive need to constantly explain myself to everyone so here it goes. 

I dreamed of living in New York for my entire life. I dreamed of working in film and being on set, writing scripts and directing actors. I dreamed of this for as long as I can remember. What I didn’t dream was being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. What I didn’t dream was having the most horrific things happen to me in New York. What I didn’t dream was being afraid of New York. So many awful things happened to me in New York, things that would only happen once in a lifetime. So many good things but the bad things out weighed the good. A bipolar brain is very intense. I will have such high highs where I will write 50 poems and start writing books (I have written probably 20 unfinished books in my life). But when the lows hit it consumes me. It’s like a cloud swarming around me. so dark. so cold. And lately this darkness has completely taken over me. I cry every day in the shower. I have never experienced such dark thoughts than I had in that shower. It sucks because I have two amazing roommates and I don’t want to let them down so I keep smiling and pretending. And that is what hurts the most. this constant mask i’m wearing, trying so hard to be okay. So I am taking this semester off to focus on my mental health. A lot of people will say, “just stay in NYC and you will get accustomed to it, you will get over it”. My first semester was good. I made a lot of friends and I was happy. This is not a ‘accustomed’ thing. If it was then I would have been accustomed by now, i lived in new york for a year and never got accustomed. I was sick at home and sick in the city. This is a disorder in my brain. A darkness that is cradling me. At the moment I can’t make decisions for my self, so I need to be in a safe place where people who love me can make decisions for me.  This sucks so bad not because I let my friends down, my family down but because I let myself down. I had a dream of being in New York but sometimes dreams change.