a super deep super sad run on sentence

every since my last relationship I have had a problem with love, like i’m fine with the sex part and all that but the emotional part is scary, like the part when you bear your soul to someone else and show them all of your vulnerabilities, yeah that one is super scary for me,

so I’m in this part of my life where I am just having casual sex and casually falling in love with the people I have sex with, its not a big deal because then I never call the guys back so they never get the chance to fall in love with me back, so I’m sleeping with this guy and all of a sudden I’m laughing because hahah I’m falling in love and then he tells me he’s falling in love too and I want to emphasize this moment for you, I was so fucking scared, I felt dread creep up my throat and panic scratch my arms and Ive never gotten out of a bed so fast and I ran down 3rd ave so fast and I blocked his number and Instagram and LinkedIn because I was so scared because the last time someone held my heart in their hands they crushed it and I can’t let that happen because I need to remind myself I am an unloveable creature that is too fucked up to be loved or in his words ‘I only loved you because of your body, you are way too crazy for any one to love’ and I can feel those words on every inch of my body and when I try to take a shower to wash it off I only get covered in my own tears and every since my last relationship I have had a problem with love.