a sexual awakening

i’ll be honest, my soul orbits around men. maybe not my soul, but maybe my head and my heart and my hands. perhaps we don’t have souls.

I think it was first grade when I declared my love for a boy in my class. I told everyone I knew that I loved him. I wanted word to get back around to him, but i couldn’t tell him directly; that would come off as desperate. 

eventually he would find out and him and his friends would grimace. 

maybe it was the thought of love at the time that made their stomached churn. or maybe it was the thought of me. 

I guess that’s why I started to cover my face in make up in 4th grade. i could hastily apply brown concealer under my eyes, trying to follow Michelle Phans instruction, but she talked too fast. 

I got my period that summer. I got boobs and acne too. I looked 17 in a crowd of 10 year olds.  

in 6th grade everyone caught up to my aging. i wasn’t the only girl with boobs and concealer under their eyes. I was just like everyone else again.

A video of a girl masturbating went around the school that year and everyone had their phones collected by the principle. maybe he wanted to get a look at the video.

i cut all my underwear into thongs that year in case a boy saw. 

then he would know i was a woman. but i wasn’t. i was 12 and this was just the beginning

JAISON CIANELLI'S artwork